Posts tagged relationships
Posts tagged relationships
Anonymous asked: I have been in and out of a really bad relationship for the past year or so, and I recently told my ex that we shouldn’t talk anymore… and I really just need someone to tell me that it is a good decision and everything is going to be okay. Because honestly, I miss him. I know he wasn’t good for me, but he was a big part of my life and I feel like I am not going to get any better. I messed up a lot already with him, so I don’t feel like I’m good enough to have one of those good Christian relationships that people talk about. Can you help me? [Edited for length]
Kelseyisms answered: Hey love. Wow, with you being such a strong, beautiful, and honest girl I hardly believe you when you say this guy is the best you can get… So let’s look at the real problem here:
You have lost a lot of confidence after you’ve lost this relationship—you’ve kind of lost your identity. You are afraid that you won’t have one of those “good Christian relationships” because of your past, and you feel unworthy. The truth is that your choices do not define you, but Christ defines you, and He deems you worthy. You are worth nothing less than every drop of the blood of God Himself, and that makes you priceless.
You see, you’re a princess, not because you have any Prince Charming, but because you are a daughter of the King of Kings. And this King traded in His throne for beggar’s robes and a crown of thorns—all for His beautiful daughter. Any guy who doesn’t see this is a guy who isn’t worth your time, dear. A true Christian man will know your worth and will not discard you because of a wrong turn here or there. He will not “judge” you or think that you don’t “deserve” him. He’ll just see you and treat you for who you are: Royalty.
So know your worth, and tell yourself right now that you can do better. Turn from that junk in your past and from those guys who are less than good because you deserve better and you know it. Wait for the Prince who has asked your Daddy for your hand and settle for nothing less. And most importantly, put your identity in Christ again, not some boy or some situation. When you have your value placed in Him, you can simply look at His cross whenever you begin to doubt your worth again.
Anonymous asked: My ex and I have been on and off a couple times. He is very religious and we last broke up because there were too many differences with us and because he is not allowed to date (his parents won’t allow him until he graduates) so he wants to honor their wishes. We last broke up 4 months ago and recently started talking again. I thought I was ok with being friends again until he started flirting with me and sending the signals that he still likes me. I approached him and asked why he was doing this. He explained that he is normally a flirty guy. I thought that he still loved me… we ended up sleeping together and ever since then I’ve been in an emotional wreck. The past four months that I spent trying to get over him feels like it all went to waste. I asked him after we slept together if he still wanted to be with me/still loved me, but he told me that he does not know if he loves me and that I should move on because he can’t think of being with anyone right now. I feel like he doesnt love me because if a guy truly loves you, he would know for sure wouldnt he? I feel really lost. I’m trying so hard to piece this together with God.. trying to put faith in him and not be worried about this but my mind only thinks about this guy. [Edited for Length]
Kelseyisms answered: So you are wondering whether or not you should move on, and I get that. That can be hard to know! Love is a funny thing and it is a complicated thing, so sometimes it can be a bit confusing. So, even though my BS meter is ticking here, I can maybe buy the argument that “He isn’t sure if he loves you or not.” So let’s look at what love is NOT and then we look at the evidence here and see where this guy fits in.
Love is NOT leading girls on and flirting with them, especially if you have no intentions of being with anyone.
Love is NOT demanding in any way—physically or emotionally. Those things are given freely in love, but not asked for.
Love is NOT self-serving. Love is completely and totally unselfish. It always puts the feelings of the Beloved above its own desires.
And while I don’t know this man, I would say that he has done all of these things… He has led you on with no intention of a relationship, he has taken from you both emotionally and physically, and he has acted rather selfishly and disregarded your feelings and his own actions as he played with your emotions. So all in all, hun, I’d say that his advice for you to move on is probably the best thing that he has said yet.
You are a precious creation and a daughter of the King of Kings. That makes you Royalty, love! You’re a princess. And any guy who doesn’t treat you as such is not one deserving of your love. Yes, getting over someone takes a lot of time, so it is natural that you’ll think of him for a while. However, you already know the solution here. You said it yourself. You’re putting your faith in God.
If you cling to Him and fill your life more with His love rather than the love of this boy or any other, I promise each day will get easier. It will hurt less daily and He will heal the scars on your heart. It is a process, for sure, and during this process, it is best if you keep this boy out of the picture. He can only confuse and hurt you at this point… He hasn’t been loving you at all like a godly man should, even if he claims to be “religious”. That’s the funny thing about godly love… It has little to do with “religion” and everything to do with a life dedicated to Christ.
And until God is your number one priority, it is probably best to maintain this distance with him and maybe take a break from guys in general. Ladies, don’t rush the whole relationship thing. Being single can be pretty dang awesome. Enjoy it! Once you’ve got God as your number one, He’ll show you a guy so great you’ll wonder why you ever wanted anyone else. But until that moment, just lean on Him and let Him take the place in your heart where this man or any man has been.
Oh… And want to know the best part? You’ll never have to wonder whether or not God loves you. He is all for you. He would, very literally, go to the grave for you… and you’re not going to find a love like that anywhere else.
Anonymous asked: Been a few months since my ex and I broke up. Long story short I feel the same way as that girl in that post you responded to with Unka Glen. Not only is that an issue.. but I’ve been having these nightmares that involve him and I don’t know if it’s maybe a sign from God? This has never really happened before and it’s really been affecting my life lately. What should I do? I’ve prayed about this for months now and I can only find peace in my heart for a short time until this reoccurs
Unkaglen answered: As far as the dreams go, there are a couple of possibilities here:
Possibility #1: It means nothing at all, and it’s just you having a weird moment because you had too much spicy food last night. As Scrooge says to Marley’s ghost in A Christmas Carol: “You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato. There’s more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are!”
Possibility #2: Your brain is wrestling with unresolved emotions and issues and struggles that you’re having.
Possibility #3: God is trying to tell you something (there’s certainly Biblical precedent for that).
My money would be on #2, and this comes down to something that you just can’t seem to let go of. How do we let go of something that once meant so much to us?
Kelseyisms answered: I totally agree with Unkaglen here. And for those who need a peek at the last post, you can find it here.
Obviously what you’re struggling to let go of is this relationship, here. I would really encourage you to evaluate why it is so hard to let go as well. That sounds rather obvious, but we actually tend to skip this step in the letting go process. Is it hard because he was your best friend? First love? You were together a long time? You still have feelings for him? etc.etc. Once we know what the problem is and where it hurts, then we can really address it. If you and this guy are still friends, there is nothing wrong at all with taking a little break from being friends. Step back and allow yourself some time to heal before trying to continue with this.
But at the same time, don’t try to do this all by yourself. Talk it out with friends or an adult you really look up to. As I said in the last post, grab some girl friends and grab some ice cream. No seriously. You’d be surprised just how much it helps.
Remember, love, God wants to fill your heart’s greatest desires. Maybe this guy is taking His place right now. Fix your heart and mind totally on Him and depend on Him alone (Not this dude or any dude for that matter) and He will give you peace and rest beyond all imagination.
Anonymous asked: So, its been 5 months since my boyfriend and I broke up. I’ve tried everything to reconcile with him, as friends, and yeah, we’re friends. I’ve been more than willing to forgive him for the pain he’s caused me, and I’m open for anything he has to say. The thing is, it seems…
becausehelovedmefirst asked: Hi Kelsey :) I just needed some advice and I was wondering if you can help me. It’s about a friend of mine. He’s a “Christian” too, but lately I’m not even sure anymore because his actions say differently. He keeps on posting shirtless pictures of himself. I thought he was different, you know? I mean, he used to be my best guy friend. Now we don’t even talk anymore. I guess it was wrong of me to do this, but it started when I commented on his picture and this is exactly all that I said: “What the heck are you doin” From there it just went to an argument through text. Part of me feels like I was probably just overreacting, but I know that there was some truth to what I said, you know? And yeah, I guess I could’ve approached him in a better way. But in all honesty, I just wanted to look out for him too. I’ve been quite upset about it for some time now because I feel like I lost a friend. He’s changed, I think. I don’t know how to tell him. But I know what I’m talking about ‘cause I can tell the difference. He cusses now, he’s quite prideful, and he hates it when people point out when he’s doing something wrong. Now I don’t know what to do. Do you think I was wrong to feel that way? Is it possible for me to still be friends with him, or do you think I’m better off without it? What should I do? [This post has been edited for length]
Kelsey-isms answered: Hey love… My, this is messy, isn’t it? Of course, any relationship with another human being is going to be pretty messy. Let’s see what we can do here.
Firstly, I firmly believe that facebook is the root of all evil. So much drama comes out of it, doesn’t it? And because it is the internet, we can often misinterpret things on facebook or post things without really thinking, “The whole world can see this nonsense…” So maybe you did overreact a little to this picture (Though, I agree with you, it is a bit of a cheap shot), and he overreacted a bit to your reaction, but I don’t think the picture is the real issue here and I don’t think that you think it is either.
You’re concerned that your good friend is changing, and he is changing so much he is allowing little things like a picture and cussing get in the way of that friendship. Because you don’t approve of these things, he thinks that YOU’VE changed and become this “judgmental” kind of person. And, let’s not rule out the possibility that you have changed as well. Change is not necessarily a bad thing, although we usually associate it with the negative, and you should be changing and growing in Christ daily so it is quite possible that you have grown. Your friend may not be changing in the same way that you are, so there is a disconnect there for both of you. He sees it as “she’s different,” and you see it as “he’s different,” and you may very well both be right.
So people are always subject to change, but here’s the cool part: God is not. Your friend sounds like he is having a bit of a confusing time and that he is trying to find his identity and it is absolutely NOT your responsibility to help him find it. That’s between him and the Big Man upstairs, sister. However, you can be a constant in his life and help to point him in the right direction. Be a living example of God’s consistency and God’s love despite the circumstances. (Just as a side note, loving and accepting a person for who they are is NOT the same as accepting their actions.)
Tell him that you miss the friendship and the way things used to be, and you hate these silly arguments you have been getting into. Tell him that you still love and care about him and you don’t care if he is different or if you’re different, you’re going to be there for him whenever he needs it because you love him. Maybe he is looking for that kind of friendship in his life right now. I am willing to bet he has felt just as confused about this situation as you have been.
Once you’ve established that “friendly” ground again, continue to build on it. Then, with some time and patience, maybe you can both see WHY you have changed and begin to understand one another. I don’t want you to throw such a precious friendship away. If being his friend begins to hinder your relationship with God, then that may be a different story. THEN you might want to say, “Hey, I love you, but I just need to take a step back from this for a while. You can still call me any time you need a friend.”
And I’ll continue to pray for you, hun.
Song of Solomon 2:7 - Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
Song of Solomon 3:5 - Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
Song of Solomon 8:4 -Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
Solomon, the man known for his wisdom, said it himself ladies—three times, in fact. Do not rush this whole “love” thing. When we push it and search for it in all the wrong places, we always settle and we always end up with heartache. And trust me, the right guy is going to be so worth the wait that you’ll wonder why you ever even wasted your time with anyone else.
Have you ever heard “You always find what you’re looking for once you stop looking for it”? Well, I can promise you it’s true with many things, not just relationships, but it definitely applies there also. So stop looking for the guy and instead seek God with all of your heart. Remember, your longing for love is truly a longing for Him. God is love. So get lost in Him, beautiful Daughters of Jerusalem, and do not awaken the love of another until it’s time.
A Godly man obviously has God as number one in his life and you as number two.
A Godly man doesn’t want something from you, he wants the world for you. It’s not about what you can give him because to him, you’re enough.
A Godly man doesn’t need you but he wants you. He doesn’t depend on you, but he cherishes you.
A Godly man will appreciate everything about you that all the wrong guys didn’t.
A Godly man will help strengthen you in your faith as well as ask you to strengthen him in his. You are a team when you’re with this guy; you two are equals.
A Godly man will respect you emotionally as well as physically. He’ll never ask you to give too much in either respect.
A Godly man already knows all of these things. You don’t need to tell him or show him because he’s already got it covered.
A Godly woman shouldn’t settle for anything less than these things in her man.
jedbrewer from my ministry staff wrote the following:
One of the most common – and most beautiful – attributes amongst Christian ladies is a desire to nurture. A desire to comfort, and encourage, and serve.
In the right context, this is an amazing, Godly aim. In the wrong context, it…
I’m not looking right now, but this is definitely my aim for the future.
Okay, so my tumblr has, over the past few weeks, EXPLODED with stuff about dating, love, relationships, etc. etc. etc. Everyone is posting about it, asking about it, wondering about it, wishing for it, getting over it, struggling with it, and just all around going nuts. I can’t lie and say I’m not one of these people. Over the past few months I’ve had my guy issues, so I have kind of laughed at the cruel joke that it seemed fate was playing with me here with all this relationship stuff “coincidentally” popping up in the midst of all of my personal junk. So, I felt I should write something about this. I don’t normally do this now, so bear with me and be patient. I’m learning with all of you as well.
I believe fully that we are dependent beings. Humans need food, water, and shelter to survive. We are dependent on those things. Without these things we’ll wither and starve physically. We can also starve relationally without proper friendships and companionship and people in our lives to support us. If Adam was meant to be without people and make it on his own, God wouldn’t have given him Eve. However, do not think that these things complete you. Make no mistake, Eve was the gift from God and she was, in no way, meant to replace the Gift-Giver.
When we idolize relationships, when we put people on pedestals, when we make poor decisions in dating, sexuality, etc. are we not putting the gift above the Gift-Giver? We’re saying to the Provider that the provision is more valuable to us than He is. (This concept can be applied to more than just relationships, of course, but we’ll keep the focus there for the time being.) Yet it seems like we always want that gift more than the Giver and we seek wholeness and happiness in other people instead of the Source of all joy.
Friends, your value, your worth, your completion is not in other people—they are all just as broken as you are! It’s like you’re trying to borrow car parts from another broken down truck to make yours run. You may find some of the pieces you need, but most likely not all of them. Your completion is in Christ and His work. He makes you whole totally and fully on His own and without the help of other people, so seeking that completion apart from Him is a dangerous and unfulfilling thing. Run to Him first and seek to be filled by Him and Him alone and He will give you the person you’re meant to be with when the time is right.
Don’t go the opposite extreme though and cut yourselves off from people and love and relationships, however. Remember, we starve without those things! Dating is not always so evil! Okay, so that’s another post entirely. The point of this one, I think, is just to love God and seek Joy in Him alone and then the other things just seem to fall in their place. He says you are beautiful, wonderfully made, and His own and that He loves you deeply and unconditionally—you don’t need any other person to tell you anything differently, especially not until you believe that fully.
Why am I writing like some advice columnist? Ah, well, I thought I’d give my two cents. I have a feeling, strangely, that something else on this subject will come up later on though…