Posts tagged advice
Posts tagged advice
janejiyoungo asked: Kelsey, thank you for your inspiring posts and your answers to questions.. I was wondering.. could you shed some light on forgiveness? I’m the type of person that “lives in the past” and it’s hard for me to truly forgive someone. I say I forgive them and I honestly at the moment feel I do, but when another mistake is made by the other person, I bring back past issues and frustrate the person for doing so. So what can I do? Does forgiving someone mean never bringing past mistakes up? Thanks
Kelsey-isms answered: Thank you for your encouraging words and your question! You’re so awesome. Forgiveness is so difficult, but keep your head up. We’ll get through this stuff together.
The first thing I will say about forgiveness is that it comes at the end of a process called grieving. When someone hurts you, you don’t have to slap on that smile right away and say that it’s okay while you mask all of those awful feelings. Sometimes, you need to allow yourself some time to really cry it out and acknowledge that pain, and then you can begin to confront it at the end.
The second thing I will say is that forgiveness in itself is another process. After you go through all of this grieving, you start a new journey called forgiving. You’ll start to let go of one thing that hurt you and then sometimes that person will do something else to hurt you that just reopens old wounds. I think you mentioned something along these lines when you said, “at the moment” it feels like you have forgiven them. Maybe, in that moment, you have begun to forgive, but it takes a long time to truly let things go. So here are just a couple of things to keep in mind while you are on this journey:
1.) Every person, no matter what they have done, is someone that God has called forgiven. He even wrote this forgiveness in His own blood and death on the cross. If we keep this in mind, it makes it just a bit easier to let go of the wrongs a person has done to us knowing that they are someone worth forgiving in God’s eyes. Oh, and by the way, we’ve been forgiven by God too, and because of this we don’t have any reason to deny others their forgiveness.
2.) I am very careful with the saying, “Forgive and Forget.” I think there is a certain bit of wisdom that comes from events in our past. We should learn from our circumstances. So, I don’t think we should always necessarily forget the situation, because often we can learn from these things and become more discerning. However, if we’re still holding these things over someone’s head, I think that may be a sign that we still have a grudge or that we haven’t really let go of the issue entirely. On that note, though, if someone asks for forgiveness but they continue to do the exact same things to you that they did before, that’s when you should probably move on. There is a HUGE difference between someone who truly repents and wants forgiveness because they love and care about you and someone who just wants to get off the hook.
3.) Lastly, time truly goes hand in hand with forgiveness, and it is a beautiful, painful, and slow process that cannot be rushed. I think the best analogy I can use is that of cultivating a garden. Once the grief is over, you can finally plant that seed of forgiveness in the barren soil, but it will take a lot of time, love, care, and nurturing to get that seed to grow into any kind of flower. Be patient and talk about these struggles with mentors and friends if you can. You never have to do this alone.
And I will be praying for you on this journey! Don’t give up. You’re not alone.
Anonymous asked: Hi Unka Glen. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 14 months. We planned on marrying each other. He was a great guy, or so I thought. Recently he admitted to me all his lies. His porn addiction, and him spending my money on porn. I could stick around and try to patch things up if it was porn, but the lying and him spending my money on it - I can’t. So we broke it off. How do I move on Unka Glen? I gave EVERYTHING to him. Wrapped my whole world, future around him.. Made him my everything. I feel like killing myself cause I don’t wanna go through the pain of being without him… but I know I won’t. What do I do?
Unka Glen answered: God bless your heart my sister. All of us who’ve gone through a breakup know how devastating it can be. When you make a commitment to a relationship, you make an investment. And if that relationship ends, it feels like that investment was lost. But you gained a very valuable sense of perspective through all this.
One thing is for sure though, breaking up was the right move. Someone who lacks the impulse control to keep from spending other people’s money on porn, this is someone who isn’t ready to be in any relationship with anyone.
Here’s the thing though, if he had been the great guy you thought he was, and more, this still wouldn’t have worked out. This guy is an imperfect person, and (granted, we didn’t know just HOW imperfect until the end there, but still) sooner or later imperfect people let us down.
If you build your whole life around someone, and they let you down, then your whole world IS crashing down around you. Jesus says in Luke 6:48 that we should be like “a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the storm struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built.”
You built your life on this dude, and regardless of how bad things ended, he never had what it took to be your rock, none of us do, that’s why we build our life on God.
We build our life on God because God doesn’t change. We build our life on God because He is perfect, because He is all powerful, because in Him we live and move and have our being. We build our life on God because God loves us and as 1 Cor. 13 points out, His love is patient, it’s kind, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. God’s love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. And His love never fails.
Need I go on?
The next time you fall in love (oh yes my sista, it will happen again), you will tell him something pretty similar to this:
“You are not, and you never will be, the center of my life. God is my first love. God loved me, and patiently waited for me when I was putting someone else first, and when I realized what I had done, He held NONE of it against me as He welcomed me home with open arms. You cannot compete with that kind of love.
“If you leave me, my world won’t fall apart, because you won’t ever be the thing holding it together. I am complete in God. Period.
“So what, you may ask, does this mean for you, as we enter into this relationship? It means my life is built on the Rock, and that means I will be able to encourage and uplift you in a way no other woman can. By putting God first, I have love to give that I never had before. I’m better, stronger, and smarter… and you’re in my life because I want you there, not because I need you there.”
I am reblogging this mostly for the last few paragraphs. So relevant to me right now!
Can you help me? Recently I’ve found myself doubting/questioning the existence of God. I don’t know what to do, because He used to make me so happy, and now I’m just not so sure….
Hey love! Thank you for your bravery and honesty about your questions and doubts about your faith. I find these doubts so sincere and genuine and I truly believe that God loves that sincerity more than the façade that a lot of Christians tend to put on regarding their faith. We have a tendency to say that everything’s okay and we have all of the questions figured out rather than admitting our struggles, so I just love you for this question.
I have two things that I would like to say to hopefully encourage you.
First is that you should not fear your questions. Having doubts does not necessarily mean you are losing your faith or whatever. In fact, the Bible is full of questions. People were constantly asking God, “Where are You?” “How long will I wait here?” “What’s your plan in all this?” “Hellooo? Are you listening?” You get the idea here. I find this so encouraging because God is not afraid of our questions. An authority that discourages questions is one to be suspicious of, but our God and His truth are steadfast even in the midst of our doubts.
Second, I am sure you have heard the saying, “There is a season for everything.” This comes from Ecclesiastes, as you most likely know, and Solomon has a very long list of “seasons” that we go through in life. He talks about a time to be happy, sad, laugh, cry, be born, to die, etc. I believe that this is so important to remember in Christianity. Just because you aren’t so “happy” right now or you feel frustrated with God, you should not throw away your belief in Him. We cannot base our entire belief on feelings, because feelings will most definitely change. People will always go through these seasons and that is totally and completely natural. The important thing to remember is that God remains the same no matter what the season. He is constant and He is there for you even in a season of sadness or doubt.
He’s not going to give up on you. Don’t give up on Him just yet, love.
Anonymous asked: My ex and I have been on and off a couple times. He is very religious and we last broke up because there were too many differences with us and because he is not allowed to date (his parents won’t allow him until he graduates) so he wants to honor their wishes. We last broke up 4 months ago and recently started talking again. I thought I was ok with being friends again until he started flirting with me and sending the signals that he still likes me. I approached him and asked why he was doing this. He explained that he is normally a flirty guy. I thought that he still loved me… we ended up sleeping together and ever since then I’ve been in an emotional wreck. The past four months that I spent trying to get over him feels like it all went to waste. I asked him after we slept together if he still wanted to be with me/still loved me, but he told me that he does not know if he loves me and that I should move on because he can’t think of being with anyone right now. I feel like he doesnt love me because if a guy truly loves you, he would know for sure wouldnt he? I feel really lost. I’m trying so hard to piece this together with God.. trying to put faith in him and not be worried about this but my mind only thinks about this guy. [Edited for Length]
Kelseyisms answered: So you are wondering whether or not you should move on, and I get that. That can be hard to know! Love is a funny thing and it is a complicated thing, so sometimes it can be a bit confusing. So, even though my BS meter is ticking here, I can maybe buy the argument that “He isn’t sure if he loves you or not.” So let’s look at what love is NOT and then we look at the evidence here and see where this guy fits in.
Love is NOT leading girls on and flirting with them, especially if you have no intentions of being with anyone.
Love is NOT demanding in any way—physically or emotionally. Those things are given freely in love, but not asked for.
Love is NOT self-serving. Love is completely and totally unselfish. It always puts the feelings of the Beloved above its own desires.
And while I don’t know this man, I would say that he has done all of these things… He has led you on with no intention of a relationship, he has taken from you both emotionally and physically, and he has acted rather selfishly and disregarded your feelings and his own actions as he played with your emotions. So all in all, hun, I’d say that his advice for you to move on is probably the best thing that he has said yet.
You are a precious creation and a daughter of the King of Kings. That makes you Royalty, love! You’re a princess. And any guy who doesn’t treat you as such is not one deserving of your love. Yes, getting over someone takes a lot of time, so it is natural that you’ll think of him for a while. However, you already know the solution here. You said it yourself. You’re putting your faith in God.
If you cling to Him and fill your life more with His love rather than the love of this boy or any other, I promise each day will get easier. It will hurt less daily and He will heal the scars on your heart. It is a process, for sure, and during this process, it is best if you keep this boy out of the picture. He can only confuse and hurt you at this point… He hasn’t been loving you at all like a godly man should, even if he claims to be “religious”. That’s the funny thing about godly love… It has little to do with “religion” and everything to do with a life dedicated to Christ.
And until God is your number one priority, it is probably best to maintain this distance with him and maybe take a break from guys in general. Ladies, don’t rush the whole relationship thing. Being single can be pretty dang awesome. Enjoy it! Once you’ve got God as your number one, He’ll show you a guy so great you’ll wonder why you ever wanted anyone else. But until that moment, just lean on Him and let Him take the place in your heart where this man or any man has been.
Oh… And want to know the best part? You’ll never have to wonder whether or not God loves you. He is all for you. He would, very literally, go to the grave for you… and you’re not going to find a love like that anywhere else.
Anonymous asked: I’m Christian, and I don’t drink because I’m not 21. I don’t always obey the law and some people are like, “well, you speed, right? doesn’t that break the law too?” Then I’m like “drinking is a bigger deal”. I just don’t always know what to say to the question: “why don’t you…
Anonymous asked: Been a few months since my ex and I broke up. Long story short I feel the same way as that girl in that post you responded to with Unka Glen. Not only is that an issue.. but I’ve been having these nightmares that involve him and I don’t know if it’s maybe a sign from God? This has never really happened before and it’s really been affecting my life lately. What should I do? I’ve prayed about this for months now and I can only find peace in my heart for a short time until this reoccurs
Unkaglen answered: As far as the dreams go, there are a couple of possibilities here:
Possibility #1: It means nothing at all, and it’s just you having a weird moment because you had too much spicy food last night. As Scrooge says to Marley’s ghost in A Christmas Carol: “You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato. There’s more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are!”
Possibility #2: Your brain is wrestling with unresolved emotions and issues and struggles that you’re having.
Possibility #3: God is trying to tell you something (there’s certainly Biblical precedent for that).
My money would be on #2, and this comes down to something that you just can’t seem to let go of. How do we let go of something that once meant so much to us?
Kelseyisms answered: I totally agree with Unkaglen here. And for those who need a peek at the last post, you can find it here.
Obviously what you’re struggling to let go of is this relationship, here. I would really encourage you to evaluate why it is so hard to let go as well. That sounds rather obvious, but we actually tend to skip this step in the letting go process. Is it hard because he was your best friend? First love? You were together a long time? You still have feelings for him? etc.etc. Once we know what the problem is and where it hurts, then we can really address it. If you and this guy are still friends, there is nothing wrong at all with taking a little break from being friends. Step back and allow yourself some time to heal before trying to continue with this.
But at the same time, don’t try to do this all by yourself. Talk it out with friends or an adult you really look up to. As I said in the last post, grab some girl friends and grab some ice cream. No seriously. You’d be surprised just how much it helps.
Remember, love, God wants to fill your heart’s greatest desires. Maybe this guy is taking His place right now. Fix your heart and mind totally on Him and depend on Him alone (Not this dude or any dude for that matter) and He will give you peace and rest beyond all imagination.
Whether you feel it or not, you are worth nothing less than the very blood of God Himself and that makes you the most priceless treasure in all of creation. And any guy who doesn’t realize this and treat you like a precious treasure is one who isn’t worth a minute of your time.
From “Just Not Feeling the Love”